Round Three: Some days

Round Three:  DING!!!  (OK, I’m getting sick of the boxing metaphor so from here on out, I’ll just tell ya stuff I’m learning, ok?  OK.)

Here’s what I’m learning:  Some days will be better than others.

One major trigger for my sadness and depression is when my kids have to go visit their father.  I miss them terribly.  It is during those moments without them that I feel most vulnerable, scared, and alone.  This summer, their leaving and then some subsequent difficulties that my daughter experienced while far away from me, had me at an all-time low.

The kids are back home with me now, and I’ve felt a small measure of relief.  The last several days since I picked them up have been good ones.  Then last night, Caleb, my littlest, would NOT go to sleep.  Until midnight I dealt with his crying and screaming.  By then, I had enough adrenaline pumping to give me some kind of super power.  Around about 2am, I finally fell into a fitful sleep.  Fitful sleep not good… since I’ve learned from my beloved counselor that REM sleep is the only time the brain produces serotonin… and honey, I NEED that serotonin.  Do you hear what I’m sayin’?  About 4am, my little insomniac climbed up in my bed, sealing the deal on a sleepless night for me.

Did I mention my husband slept through all of this???  I believe the word “comatose” accurately describes it.

Now, before you get your hackles up (YES that is a REAL expression.  Google it if you’d like.  My boss did just a couple of days ago since he didn’t believe such a phrase existed.) you must know that my husband rises very early in the morning for work.  He functions with a level of energy that would easily outrun a 20 year old.  Then he comes home before I do in the evening so most nights he has dinner ready when I get home.  You should, indeed, feel at least minor annoyance with me for complaining that he slept through this, but I’m just bein’ real here.  In spite of him having perfectly good reason to sleep like a rock, I still felt frustrated and alone and a lil’ bit angry that he didn’t lend a hand with El-Scream-o.

By this morning, I was in tears.  Dwayne was heading to his mom’s house with the kids.  He was off today.  I missed my mom.  I wanted MY mom.  I wanted to be at home with my children. Nothing made sense and the sadness was taking over.  He dropped me off at work, and I exited the car as fast as I could.  I cried in my coffee cup when I got inside, then sucked it up and started work.  Throughout the day, my head pounded and my heart weighed 1,000 pounds in my chest.  I went ahead and let myself feel it.  I refused to check out, but tried during the spare moments I had, to sort out what I was feeling.

I chalked up a good bit of today’s angst to last night’s lack of sleep.  The rest, I talked to God about, and we’re one step closer, one day closer to wholeness.

Some days, my friends, will be good ones.  And some days won’t be good at all.  Every day is still a gift, an opportunity to learn, a chance to grow.  Even the bad ones can bring breakthroughs.

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6 Responses to Round Three: Some days

  1. sweet Jill says:

    Ive always admired your realness its oone of the things i heart most about you! I love reading your blogs miss you! Here’s to a good REM sleep tonight if not maybe we’ll learn somethng while were awake!

  2. Rebecca Jenkins says:

    A bad night’s sleep will kill the next day for sure. Generic diphenhydramine works wonders…I take two each night and sleep like a log. I recommend it!

    • Rebecca says:

      I will try this diphenhydramine… this is new to me!! Do you have trouble waking up in the morning?

      • Rebecca Jenkins says:

        I don’t have any trouble waking up in the morning if I took it at least 8 hours before I need to get up. Diphenhydramine is just Benadryl. I buy the generic form because it’s much cheaper; you can get a bottle of 100 at Target for about $4. I take them because I’m a very VERY light sleeper. Mike can sleep through anything, literally. But I’m wide awake at any little noise. Plus, this won’t knock you out *so* hard that you won’t be aware if your little ones need you at night.

  3. Christy says:

    Here’s what I love about this: You’re showing us how to actually deal with the pain instead of zoning out. I mean, dealing with your pain and fighting for wholeness – it’s so necessary, but it’s also sort of vague. I mean, how does one do this? What does it look like? What are the steps? And it’s just this. Just living and feeling and then taking a deep breath and continuing on. And I love you ever more for it.

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