I’m OK, OK?

Who knew a book about food would help me get past the pain of adultery?  But it is.

Author, Geneen Roth mentions a woman in her book Women, Food and God who shares during one of Geneen’s retreats.  The woman shares that though she isn’t really hungry, she’s afraid to push her food away because that would mean she was OK.  It would mean she didn’t need any more help.  She feared that her “helper” would be angry or threatened that she no longer needed anything.

This got me started thinking.

Truth is, I’ve been a woman scorned since I was about 21.  That was when the first infidelity occurred and then the pattern simply repeated itself in various ways in the years beyond.  I’ve owned this pain for a long time, even if I kept it very secret from most.  And now…

Well, now I have to ask myself.  Am I a little bit scared to be OK?

Yep.  Sure am.

I’m afraid to let go of my pain because that would mean I’m just fine and dandy.  No pity needed.  Worse, no excuse for bad behavior previously blamed on my injured state.  Friendships based on my need or on common ailment?  No longer necessary.

WhatEVER will I DO without this injury to nurse?  Without this albatross around my neck, I’ll have to FLY won’t I?  Faster and higher and farther than ever.

This is exhilarating!  It’s exciting!  It scares the you-know-what outta me!!!!!

I have NO IDEA how to be ok.  I’ve been sailing the sea of my pain and I’ve lost sight of OK Island.  Don’t even know where it is or how to live there.  Wait… I think I see it!!  It’s there in the distance and it’s looking better and better.  This is me, getting in the…whatever you call that small boat thing that people use to paddle from a big ship to shore… dinghy, is it?…

Whatever it is, I’m getting in it.  I’m leaving the ship of pain behind and committing to living OK.

I might not be that great at it.  I might flop.  But I can’t let myself keep choosing not to be OK.  I have to try it on for size.

My dear friend and counselor was reminding me the other night that this is simply a matter of letting myself see me the way everyone else does.  Though I’ve been imagining myself as a sort of Medusa, with my pain as my head full of snakes… everybody else just sees the normal me.  Nobody whispers “That’s the girl who got cheated on!” as I pass them on the street.  So many people, my dear friends too many to mention, my husband, my children, my family, my clients at work… are willing and ARE already loving OK me.  Scary as it is, it no longer makes sense to hold on to my pain.

It’s time I let Jesus put the finishing touches on my healing.  It’s time, my friends, to be OK.

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One Response to I’m OK, OK?

  1. Pingback: Everyday OK | Rebecca's Pitcher

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